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Dead-Awake, A Love Story of Death and Rebirth
Twenty-two months ago April 1, 2008, my sweet daughter Lisa, my baby at 29, left us and took a journey ahead to the next worlds.
 
I have been journaling my process of awakening and healing, and reflecting on how all of us deal with loss and how we can reclaim life.
 
All of the forty years of spiritual, wisdom, and personal healing work before this day, prepared me to awaken from a sleep I did not know I was still in. 
 
On my personal journey to Be The Medicine, I had deliberately practiced and surrendered and let go of the world and its trappings, people, ego, roles and rules, beliefs and fears in myriad ways.
 
With Lisa’s passing I was challenged to let go of everything I knew and become, even more.
 
The day of Lisa’s funeral my mother abandoned and attacked me viciously and for months to come. I also needed to give up full time work for as long as it took, and find ways to survive and continue to live and heal.
 
My life prepared me to surrender to what was needed and called for and trust that when I let go I would be held. So many gifts came along with the earth shattering pain. Gratitude abounds every moment.
 
March of 2005, three years before Lisa died, I sold my home of twenty-one years and minimized what was a large healing center and practice so I could take a sabbatical.
 
I let go of 24/7 teaching and healing to take time to be and integrate my life's work into a cohesive program and books. I thought maybe six months to a year. Rabbit consciousness.
 
The journey was not so easy. Although I knew my astrology spoke of a time of complete transformation in the next several years-I could never have been prepared for what it would take. I was surprised by the continuous trauma, challenges and loss that followed.
 
I felt like a machine gun was fixed on me firing rounds without many breaks. I knew there were no bullets, they were only illusion, and yet they felt real and opened me more with each hit. I swayed like a cartoon character full of holes oozing fake blood, and still kept walking and standing.
 
Few people knew this-not that I hid it, just that I keep going.
 
I knew that my life was to learn through experience how to help others make it through these changing times. I am so glad we do not know ahead of time how things will change.
 
My life before this was also not easy, and I was a master at making lemonade out of lemons. I was also very tired of having to do this.
 
I have always been the energizer bunny who kept going. Since a little girl I have been called Suzy Sunshine who sees rainbows with the pot of gold at the other side of stormy times. Those rainbows were nowhere in sight, for years.
 
I fell apart and came back together regularly. I felt like humpty dumpty and was grateful when eventually the pieces came back together, until I fell apart yet again.
 
I am grateful for all of the lessons and amazing companions. There were life changing relationships, teachers and students along the way. Little did I know that Be The Medicine was going to come together from these experiences, not from sitting at a desk with a pretty view.
 
I learned to receive help and support more than ever before. Those I had given so much to over the years gave back to me with such pride. I realized the gift of receiving. I cried more than I ever had in my life.
 
I was humbled to the core with all that occurred. I experienced the soul purpose and lessons from the continuous losses and challenges. I faced each one and kept going. Not always pretty or graceful, I felt like I was being ripped apart and not in neat pieces that would ever come together in the same form.
 
After three years, and moving three times I was ready to bring out Be The Medicine. After I wrote my exciting March 2008 newsletter, I heard a voice - You have another year of healing.
 
Four days later Lisa died. 
 
The first month I kept going, doing some things, going to meetings-not knowing what else to do. I was like a soldier who was hit with a near mortal wound who stayed in the battle until they go down. I was in shock, disbelief not knowing how to live while dying inside.
 
Four weeks after Lisa’s death, I thought I could teach two seminars that were scheduled. I went to Woodstock, NY a few days early, all set up to teach. These were to be my last before I allowed myself to totally let go and take time off to heal.
 
My body and soul had another plan. I found myself with bronchitis the day before the first class.  This was a defining moment. I knew I had a choice to stop before I was stopped and could not come back.
 
I was in no state to hold energy for a group of people and offer anything. I needed to take care of me. I cancelled at the last minute, and went to bed. Oxygen mask on for as long as I needed.
 
A lovely friend gave me refuge in her master suite that had a steam shower and a gorgeous view. My healing began. I learned how strong it was to stop and heal.
 
I had been doing this all along or I would not have made it this far, but this was a total time out. A forced retirement.
 
i came out in spurts after that. teaching amazing classes or working with people in sessions and then I had to take long or short breaks and do more self care and healing.
 
For three months now I have been full energy. Lisa helped me complete my healing along with apprentices and spiritual support.
 
Lisa has been my teacher and guide on earth and now in heaven. She came to me the moment she left her body while she was in the ambulance. “I’m gone Mom”, she said.
 
I missed her first cry coming into this life, as she was a c-section, but she was sure to be with me the moment she left.  
 
She held me in the family waiting room in the ER while the doctors were supposed to be reviving her. A wave of love came over me. She told me how much she loved me while her father, sister and step mother were asking me to help.
 
I could not tell them she was already gone and here with us. I waited for the doctor to tell them.
 
In these past twenty-two months I have learned more about life and death on earth and in heaven than I ever dreamed. Lisa has been helping so many others and me from the other side. I receive calls from clients and students regularly about their experiences with her.
 
When psychic friends told me over the years that one of my daughters would be working with me, I never imagine it this way,
 
So when you read the Be the Medicine blogs, newsletters and books know it all comes from deep experience and love. I share my heart and journey in hope that it opens you to your life and love more. This is my life purpose and what brought me back from the abyss of deep grief.
 
At Lisa’s funeral I spoke of how her death was all about love. I saw how her leaving so suddenly and unexpectedly, opened the hearts of many. This is one of her life purposes. 
 
I watched some people fall apart, and some wake up and heal, because of Lisa.
 
I can let her go no matter how much it hurts and how much I miss having her here to hold, because I honor her souls journey. And honestly my friends I have no choice.
 
She left and we are here - that is truth. To hold on hurts her and me. So I bless her life and her new life, and continue to learn and grow and love her more still.
 
Being her mother has been the greatest honor and gift. She is never far and comes whenever she wants to speak to me or let me know she is here.
 
I have witnessed all of us break our hearts open from this loss and more love pours out to help all. Love is the healer and awakener.
Do not be afraid of love or feeling or hurting.
 
I have taken the time and space needed to heal. The result is I am fully here again better than before. All of the losses have brought multitudes of rainbows and the pot of gold to share with all of you over these next months and years.
 
I have learned to be the tortoise instead of the hare, and it has made all the difference. More is lived, learned and accomplished from this place of being.
 
So today I honor Lisa Michelle Zwiren our Sweetli and each one of us, for our bravery in being and living and learning.
 
I also honor and thank each person here on earth who has held me dear through this time and all those in heaven who loved and held me and helped to keep me alive so I could finish this journey with you here.
 
My mom is back by the way-I learned how death affects everyone differently and it is their pain and wounding that reacts this way.
 
For you Dear Readers and Friends
 
Do your best to learn to let go of beliefs, fears, attachments, self-importance, pity, illness, pain and depression that keep you stuck.
 
Reclaim the beautiful, amazing, unique you.
 
This is the spiritual journey of awakening and becoming.
 
It happens through healing, letting go and embracing life with purpose.
 
Take time. Slow down. Be present. Have fun.
 
Love everyone-especially yourself. Be love.
 
Be patient and kind to yourself and others.
 
We are all on this journey together.
 
Not one person has it easy-no matter what it may seem from the outside.
 
Life is about loving, learning, living and dying.
 
Make the most of each juicy moment.
 
Today is all we have. Live it well.
 
Blessings to all.
 
Be the Medicine, Living the Power of You!
 
In Love and Joy!
 
Janet StraightArrow
 
Monday, February 1, 2010
 
Be The Medicine • 18 Bank Street • Morristown, NJ 07960
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