People are surprised that they are still grieving; days, weeks, months and years after the loss of someone close in their life. I tell them it is important to grieve for as long as they do.
In our world death is a closed subject, a place many do not want to go. Birth and death are normal cycles of being on our planet. We celebrate life and still fear death. Grief seems to be inconvenient for people, both going through it, and for those in our lives.
Having lost a daughter I seemed to be given grace on this for the most part. It is accepted that a mother will severely grieve the loss of a child. I still had to struggle with the deep loss and process and learned to understand many levels of it as I was going through it and still am. Some family members were abusive and I learned from others that this occurs occasionally when people cannot deal with their grief.
All loss is relevant and important to process, grieve and allow whatever time it takes to come back to full life and you. When someone close to you dies, be it a friend or a family member of any relation, you are allowed to grieve and need to. Life as you knew is not the same. That person will not awaken from their body and be active in your life again.
Feeling how important that person is to you and that they are no longer, puts you into shock and breaks you down mentally, emotionally and physically in ways you cannot see. You need time to heal. You can never go back to life as usual and it is abusive to expect you or others to do so.
So afraid that we are to feel, it is easy to catch yourself running from the pain and loss. You my friend are shattered on more levels than you can imagine and it would be good for you to go along for the healing ride so that you can carefully put yourself together again piece by piece.
I remember feeling like humpty dumpty with all of me shattered on the floor. Moving was painful. Talking to people was surreal. Some days were easier than others, and some days were great for being under the covers.
It felt like I was living in pieces instead of all one, and my face was so sad to look at in the mirror.
People in our culture struggle with self-love, knowledge and empowerment to begin with, when there is great loss or disappointment it takes extra strength to get up everyday and be who you are.
If you have never had a loss or allowed yourself to heal it may be difficult for you to be compassionate and loving to someone who is going through this process. Offering love and support is the best, and all many can do. You do not need to understand, loving thoughts and words and actions are perfect.
Please do not tell people to get over it or that their loved one is in a better place or other silly talk that is supposed to fix it and make them feel better. It makes it worse and gets them mad at you and life even more. Grieving is a process that must be experienced and respected.
It is okay not to be okay. We have to fall apart in order to come back together. Relationships, divorces, friendships, health and jobs end and they require grieving the loss as well. To try to jump back into your life without skipping a beat is inhuman and abusive.
Love yourself through this time and know that you do not have the same comfort or control in being you as you are healing. It would be wonderful if people in your lives would stop their expectations and self-absorption and realize you are in trauma.
This lack of loving support when you are so disconnected from life as it was or is, can traumatize people more. You do not feel safe in your body and now there is no safety outside.
You, the one who is grieving, or the one who has found them selves in a support role, do not have to understand, it is not easy to do. To let go enough to be present is important. If we could swaddle people up like a new born during grief it would be appropriate. That is how vulnerable and precious people are.
So if you have recently, or not so recently lost someone or an important relationship or anchor in your life, please be gentle, kind, loving and peaceful with you. Allow the time to pass and all of the healing to occur.
If someone you know and love has lost people or job or home or a major dream of any kind please do not abuse them and push them. You do not want to cause more problems for them.
Grief is a normal phase of life; learn to cry, scream, rebel, and feel empty, alone, hurting and also to come back to healing, hope and new life. Support others in their healing time as well.
Even years after you experience a loss, you are still healing and recovering on subtle levels. This is logical, normal and real.
There is great strength and courage in allowing the grieving process. It is a time of deep learning, humility, grace, love and rebirth. I would not have missed it; the richness of the journey has been a gift and a blessing. Helping others through this is an honor.
Be Love on the Journey,
Janet StraightArrow
Be the Medicine, Live the Power of You!
If you need healing support in this area please reach out to me.
