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Parent Newsletter #137
December 10, 2015
Welcome! This is a free parent newsletter offered to you by Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller.
Mission Statement
Our mission is to strengthen families and improve parent communication skills (including our own) by helping parents learn practical, usable verbal strategies for raising responsible, caring, confident children.
In This Issue
1. Quote
2. Spirit Whisperer Contemplation
3. Bumper Sticker
4. Bite Your Tongue: 15 Things NOT to Say to Your Children This Holiday Season
5. Question and Answer
1. Quote
"If I get to pick what I want to do, then it is play . . . if someone else tells me that I have to do it, then it’s work."
 
∼ Patricia Nourot
 
2. Spirit Whisperer Contemplation
What if mess is more? Have you allowed your children to make a mess recently? Can you set up your home so they can make a mess today? Will you help them learn the importance of cleanup? Will you allow the lessons that flow from mess-making to come forth?
3. Bumper Sticker
Spotted on a blue Ford Expedition in Denver, CO:
 
Nonviolent Homes
Make a Nonviolent World
4. Bite Your Tongue: 15 Things NOT to Say to Your Children This Holiday Season
 
By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller
 
Christmas is coming. So is New Year's Eve. Most of your children will be home from school. Perhaps you’ll take advantage of this special time to engage with them in meaningful conversations. You might have a talk about the real meaning of Christmas. Or maybe you’ll explain how giving and receiving are one. Aging grandparents, the healing power of forgiveness, your religious beliefs, the origin of family traditions, the disparity between haves and have nots or the purpose of charity could all be worthy topics.
 
Indeed, how we talk about these and similar topics with our children is significant and often satisfying. Yet, there might be another important kind of talk we deliver to our children, talk that we don't give as much attention to as we do explaining traditions and beliefs or giving lectures on values. That talk, which often goes unexamined, is the words that come out of our mouths in everyday situations.
 
There will be a lot of that common, unconscious "speak before you think" talk uttered this holiday season. So let's take this time to examine some of it before it passes our lips and is delivered to our children. Consider the following 15 utterances that enter the ears of the people we care about the most.
 
1. "Uncle Edmundo offends me with his swearing."
 
2. "Your whining is annoying me."
 
3. "You made me very happy."
 
The three examples above communicate a belief that others are responsible for your feelings. By not using language that owns your feelings you communicate to children that they don't have to own their own feelings either. Use self-responsible language instead. Say, "I choose to be offended when I hear words like the ones Uncle Edmundo is using." "I'm doing annoyance right now." "I'm creating happiness in this moment."
 
4. "Don't upset your father."
 
This style of language teaches your children they are in charge of their father's emotions. No, they are not. And it is not their job to take care of their father. It is the father's job to speak up for himself, ask for what he wants, and manage his own emotions.
 
5. "We have to go to Aunt Janice's for dinner."
 
Not true. There are no have-tos. This is a choice you make. You could choose not to go there. Say instead, "We get to go to Aunt Janice’s for dinner."
 
6. "You better behave or the elf on the shelf will see you."
 
A great example of shame-based parenting. A manipulation of behavior that teaches that outside forces are watching us. Children learn to behave because they might get caught rather than because it is a helpful, respectful choice.
 
7. "I always overcook the turkey."
 
Not true. The turkey turned out fine in 1999. Using the words "always" and "never" paints a picture in your mind of yourself as being that way. Seeing yourself as that way increases the likelihood that it will indeed turn out that way. This is not language we want our children to learn and use in their lives.
 
8. "No, we're not going to the movies. It's too expensive."
 
It is not too expensive to go to the movies. You can afford it if you buy one less present or one less bottle of expensive wine. By saying you can't afford it, you speak and think words of lack and limitation. Refrain from teaching your children to believe there is not enough. Say instead, "We're choosing to invest our money in other ways, so we are going to . . ."
 
9. "You should bring your dirty dishes to the kitchen."
 
Why not make this holiday season a should-free zone? Stop shoulding on your children and on yourself. Replace "You should bring your dirty dishes to the kitchen" with "Dirty dishes belong in the kitchen." Instead of "You should apologize to your grandfather," say, "You could apologize to your grandfather. Would you consider that?"
 
10. "You shouldn't have put all the food on your plate if you weren't going to eat it."
 
Should have and shouldn't have can also be added to that should-free zone. They are often used as shaming tactics. "I see you took more than you chose to eat. That can happen this time of year. That might be a helpful thing to remember for next time" is language that teaches rather than shames.
 
11. "I told you so. I knew you were going to get a tummy ache."
 
Being right doesn't work. It sets up a big me/little you relationship. If you want to increase resentment and create emotional distance between you and your child, say "I told you so" often.
 
12. "Tell your cousin you're sorry."
 
Why not just tell your child, "Push down your own emotions, pretend they don't exist, numb them out, and go over to your cousin and lie"? Actually, that is what you just told them when you said, "Tell your cousin you're sorry." It doesn't teach anything. It's too easy. Tell them, after they have calmed down, to tell their cousin what they learned and what they intend to do differently next time. If they want to say they are sorry after that, fine. Make "sorry" optional.
 
13. "Oh, I just love this present."
 
Do not say this if it is not true. Not to your children, your mother, or Uncle Alan. Children have built-in crap detectors and can tell if it’s true or not. So do others. If you do not like the gift, model these truthful words for your children: "Thank you so much for this. I appreciate you thinking of me and taking the time to find/make it."
 
14. "You have no one to blame but yourself."
 
Let's make blame the equivalent of a four letter word for the rest of this year and refuse to use it. Instead of being concerned with finding fault or assigning blame, concentrate on solution-seeking and teaching. Search for solutions instead of pointing fingers. Include yourself in this. 
 
15. "You were good kids at Grandma's and I'm proud of you."
 
How about we just have a moratorium on the word "good" until 2055, give or take a couple of years. "Good job." "Good girl." "Good meal." "Good pie." "Good manners." "Good story." "Good gift." Good grief, we're sick of hearing the word "good" already. "Good" is evaluative and gives no information about what was good about it. How about we all agree to say, "You did it," instead of "Good job" this year? Thank you. 
 
Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of Parent Talk Essentials: How to Talk to Kids about Divorce, Sex, Money, School and Being Responsible in Today’s World. They are two of the world's foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. They publish free parent and educator newsletters. To subscribe to the newsletters or obtain information about how they can help you or your group meet your parenting needs, visit their websites today: www.thomashaller.com and www.chickmoorman.com.
 
Parent Talk Essentials
By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller
 
Softcover, 350 pages - $14.95 $11.25 
 
Parent Talk Essentials is a valuable collection of successful strategies for helping parents raise responsible, caring, conscious children.
 
In this book you will find effective Parent Talk that will help your children, tots to teens, navigate life's challenges concerning divorce, sex, money, school, relationships, being responsible, and other important issues.
 
5. Question and Answer
Hello, Thomas and Chick,

My daughter, age six, gets angry often. She hits and throws things. She broke a small mirror throwing it down the other day. I'm worried. Help, please.
 
Not an Anger Manager
 
Dear Not an Anger Manager,
 
It is time now to become an anger manager. Your child needs and deserves it. We suggest you allow angry feelings and limit angry acts. This will show her there is a difference between wanting to hit someone and hitting someone and that one does not have to follow the other.
 
Helpful Parent Talk here includes:
 
"Your sister is not for punching. Show me with this doll how you are feeling."
 
"You seem upset with your father. How about drawing an angry picture?"
 
"Toys are not for throwing. When you are angry, stomp your foot and say, 'I'm angry!' Let's practice that together now."
 
"Here, use this pillow and pretend it's your brother. Hitting your brother is not allowed. Hitting a pillow is."
 
Use this technique every time your daughter gets angry and also let her see what you do when you are angry.
 
Best wishes,
 
Thomas and Chick
Chick Moorman
 
Contact Chick at:
 
1-877-360-1477 (toll-free)
e-mail ipp57@aol.com
www.chickmoorman.com
www.twitter.com/chickmoorman
www.facebook.com/chick.moorman
 
CLICK HERE TO VISIT CHICK'S WEBSITE.
 
Thomas Haller
 
Contact Thomas at:
 
989-686-5356
e-mail thomas@thomashaller.com
www.thomashaller.com
www.twitter.com/tomhaller
www.facebook.com/thomas.b.haller
 
CLICK HERE TO VISIT THOMAS' WEBSITE.
 
Copyright
Copyright 2015 Chick Moorman Seminars and Thomas Haller Seminars, all rights reserved. Share this with your circle.
 
The Parent Talk System Facilitator Training Via SKYPE
For those of you who live in distant places or find you are unable to travel to Michigan for our once-a-year training, check out the one-on-one SKYPE training with Chick Moorman.
 
CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION.
Last Minute Stocking Stuffers
Get all Fred the Mouse books
$12 plus postage
 
The Fred The Mouse book series is written by Reese Haller, who is considered the youngest published fiction author in America. As a young author, Reese's writing motivates and inspires children to read and write.
 
Fred the Mouse Book One: The Adventures Begin
 
Book #1 in the the Fred the Mouse™ book series. This book is a Benjamin Franklin Award Silver Medal Winner. It exemplifies the power of family oral storytelling in the literacy development of children. This delightful book can be shared as a read-aloud with young children and as an independent reading book for 2nd and 3rd graders.
 
Fred the Mouse Book Two: Making Friends
 
Book #2 in the Fred the Mouse™ book series by 9-year-old author Reese Haller. This book is a Mom's Choice Award Gold Medal Winner. The adventures continue as Fred befriends a snake, barn swallow, crow, turtle, cat and watchdog.
 
Fred the Mouse Book Three: Rescuing Freedom
 
Book Three: Rescuing Freedom was nominated for a Newbery Award. This is a magnificent adventure where Fred the mouse discovers the true meaning of freedom. Readers are moved by the insightful message woven into this delightful story.
 
Fred the Mouse Book Four: Giving and Receiving
 
The fourth book in the award-winning FRED THE MOUSE™ book series written by 10-year-old author Reese Haller. Book Four masterfully blends another adventure of Fred the Mouse with an extraordinary message of being a generous giver as well as a gracious receiver.
 
Order all 4 for $12 plus postage
 
Book of the Month
 
Teaching the Attraction Principle to Children
 
By Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman
 
Hardcover, 200 pages - $24.95 $18.70 
 
Maybe you haven’t heard about it, read about it, or figured it out yet, but there is a powerful principle at work in your parenting life. The Attraction Principle is helping you create your own family reality. Now, with this exciting book, you can teach the Attraction Principle to your children.
Practical, Comprehensive Websites
1.  The Abracadabra Effect
 
For adding personal empowerment skills to your life and the lives of significant others.
 
 
2.  The Spirit Whisperers Sanctuary
 
A new website for teachers and parents.
 
 
Facebook
Spirit Whisperer Oasis
 
An oasis for educators and parents who desire more support, encouragement and affirmation for what they do to teach to a child's spirit. Check it out on Facebook and be sure to hover over the LIKE section so you can click SEND NOTIFICATIONS to insure you get all the new postings.
 
www.facebook.com/Spiritwhispereroasis
 
 
The Abracadabra Effect
 
The Abracadabra Effect: The 13 Verbally Transmitted Diseases and How to Cure Them contains the information and prescriptions necessary to eliminate dis-ease from your life. Begin today to increase your personal power and self-responsibility. Model healthy speaking, thinking, believing, and living to your family and coworkers.
 
www.facebook.com/pages/The-Abracadabra-Effect/1481907655386315
Seminar Schedule
Jan. 19 - Cancun, Mexico
The Abracadabra Effect presented by Chick Moorman, 7:30 - 9:00 pm. For more information contact Rebeca Montero at rebecamontero8@gmail.com or confemex2016@gmail.com.  
 
Jan. 20 - Cancun, Mexico
Dimensions of Discipline presented by Chick Moorman, 7:30 - 9:00 pm. For more information contact Rebeca Montero at rebecamontero8@gmail.com or confemex2016@gmail.com.  
 
Jan. 21 - Playa del Carmen, Mexico
Parent Talk Essentials presented by Chick Moorman, 7:30 - 9:00 pm. For more information contact Rebeca Montero at rebecamontero8@gmail.com or confemex2016@gmail.com.  
 
Feb. 2 - Plainwell, MI
Parent-Child Relationship: Parent Café presented by Chick Moorman, 6:30 pm - 7:30 pm. Plainwell Community Schools. For more information contact Cathy Moorman at cmoorman@plainwellschools.org.

Feb. 8 - Cherry Hill, NJ
Motivating the Unmotivated presented by Chick Moorman, 8:00 am - 4:00 pm. Contact Bureau of Education & Research (BER) at 1-800-735-3503 or www.ber.org.

Feb. 9 New Brunswick, NJ
Motivating the Unmotivated presented by Chick Moorman, 8:00 am - 4:00 pm. Contact Bureau of Education & Research (BER) at 1-800-735-3503 or www.ber.org.

Feb. 10 - White Plains, NY
Motivating the Unmotivated presented by Chick Moorman, 8:00 am - 4:00 pm. Contact Bureau of Education & Research (BER) at 1-800-735-3503 or www.ber.org.

Feb. 11 - Boston, MA
Motivating the Unmotivated presented by Chick Moorman, 8:00 am - 4:00 pm. Contact Bureau of Education & Research (BER) at 1-800-735-3503 or www.ber.org.

Feb. 28 - East Lansing, MI
The Only 3 Discipline Strategies You Will Ever Need presented by Chick Moorman, 6:30 pm - 8:30 pm. Stepping Stones Montessori School, Edgewood Church (Social Hall). For more information contact Colleen Carlson at 517-336-0422 or email ccarlson@elsteppingstones.org.

 
March 10 - Brighton, MI
The Only 3 Discipline Strategies You Will Ever Need presented by Chick Moorman, 6:00 pm - 9:00 pm. Maple Tree Montessori. For more information contact Sue Cherry at 810-599-3326 or email info@mapletreemontessori.com.
 
March 14 - Alsip, IL
Parent Talk: Words That Empower, Words That Wound presented by Chick Moorman, 6:30 pm - 8:30 pm. Atwood Heights School District 125. Alsip-Merrionette Park Public Library, 11960 S. Pulaski. For more information contact Lisa West, Principal, Hamlin Upper Grade Center at 708-597-1550 or email LWest@ahsd125.org.
 
March 15 - Alsip, IL
Motivating the Unmotivated presented by Chick Moorman, 8:30 am - 2:30 pm. Atwood Heights School District 125. For more information contact Lisa West, Principal, Hamlin Upper Grade Center at 708-597-1550 or email LWest@ahsd125.org.
 
March 23 - Manchester, NH.
Motivating the Unmotivated presented by Chick Moorman, 8:00 am - 4:00 pm. Contact Bureau of Education & Research (BER) at 1-800-735-3503 or www.ber.org.
 
March 24 - Burlington, VT
Motivating the Unmotivated presented by Chick Moorman, 8:00 am - 4:00 pm. Contact Bureau of Education & Research (BER) at 1-800-735-3503 or www.ber.org.
 
March 28 - Phoenix, NY
Keynote and Concurrent Sessions presented by Chick Moorman. Phoenix Central School. For more information contact Christopher Byrne at cbyrne@phoenixcsd.org.
Media Schedule
 
Thomas on television answering viewer questions:
 
Relationship Matters – Every Monday at 9:15 am on WNEM TV5 Better Mid-Michigan
 
Family Matters with Thomas Haller Fridays at noon, Saturdays at 8:45 am, Sundays at   7:45 am and 8:45 am on WNEM TV5. Also streaming live at: www.wnem.com.
 
To view Dr. Tom's previous Family Matters segments, CLICK HERE.
 
Thomas on the radio answering questions and discussing hot topics:
 
Every Thursday morning at 7:30 am on CARZ 108FM – Streaming live online www.wcrz.com.
 
Listen to Thomas on The Thomas and Valerie Show on www.prx.org or on www.thethomasandvalerieshow.com.
Links
CHICK MOORMAN
THOMAS HALLER
PERSONAL POWER PRESS
TEACHER TALK ADVANTAGE
SPIRIT WHISPERER SANCTUARY
THE ABRACADABRA EFFECT
REESE HALLER
PARKER HALLER
DENTAL TALK
THE THOMAS AND VALERIE SHOW
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http://www.personalpowerpress.com
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