“It’ll all be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”
I love this little quote, simple words, hopeful thought. I’ve been rolling it around in my head all day today along with some other things like, “For now, things are fine,” and “Don’t worry, about a thing, ‘cause every little thing, gonna be alright…”
I’m holding onto these sorts of thoughts right now. I’m still in the middle of being treated for the presence of rogue beasties in my body. I had a nice break earlier this month and have just spent some time with the big wigs trying to figure out the next steps. Frankly, I’d rather be stepping to some other rhythm than this particular one, but this is what is in front of me and so this is the one I am stepping to.
I have notes and messages that tell me how brave I am and that’s interesting because I don’t feel particularly brave. I have a pack of cards in my hands that is not a pack I would have selected, or one I want. In coping with this, I admit to taking a lot of time at home, sleeping on my couch, or watching stupid tv. To make myself feel better I call it “cultural literacy” but really it is just an easy way to escape my fear and frightening decisions. In between naps I am getting to be quite the whiz of “Glee,” many cooking shows, and many silly reality shows too…go ahead, ask!
A long time ago I was in a cancer survivor’s group and the leader said that we get to vote a lot in life. We can vote to erupt in anger or we can vote to be calm and rational and to gather information and proceed. Anger has its place and so does calm. But the whole thing about voting is an interesting thing to remember – for me anyway.
The truth is that I personally know a bunch of people who have gotten through some extraordinarily difficult things. For that matter, I have gotten through some extraordinary things. At the time I can clearly remember that feeling of stunned paralysis, that, “how am I going to get through THIS?” And now those things are done. I got through them. Granted, in all cases I got lots of help. My sisters, first and foremost, have been present for every single trial. My friends, my long time friends, have weathered some of the storms with me. New friends are here now, helping me. Yesterday I felt paralyzed. Today, well, it is a little bit better.
I write as Hurricane Irene is headed up the East Coast. It caused power outages in North Carolina but was not as destructive as it could have been. People in its path are still being careful, evacuating, securing windows, going to shelters. But it is not clear, at this point, what is going to happen. It might nail New York and it might not. Its good to be ready, but it is not necessary to be paralyzed.
So this week it looks like I might head into the next step. I’ll know the details on Monday. I’m confident that it’ll be okay. I’m being careful. I’m relying on friends and on experts. And of course my sisters will be with me. They are my foundation.
And the reality, the right this very second reality is that right now I AM fine. I just took my dog for a walk. I just took my sister for pizza. And now I am going to watch the next episode of “Glee.”
Right now, as I said, I am fine. And that’s about as good as it can get for right now.
